Abnormal Normality
by Harrione
Summary: “She didn’t deserve to be cared for. After all she was Hermione Granger…” Longing to live a normal life. Hermione’s life isn’t normal any more… Soon it isn’t even a life. But then somebody reaches out a hand… Deals with disorders, suicid
1. Longing

**Disclaimer: **Honestly! If I told you that I owned them would you believe me? If you do, you need to have your brain checked! I own nothing but the plot!

**WARNING: **This story contains sensitive subjects as depression, disorders and suicidal thoughts. Please don't read it if you can't handle it!

**Rating: **R for the warning. 

**Set in: **Hermione's fifth year

**Abnormal Normality**

**By Harrione**

**Chapter 1: Longing**

She longed. Longed after a hug, a smile or just a brief human touch. Longed for someone telling her she was okay, that they cared for her. She hated herself for longing. She didn't deserve to be cared for. After all she was Hermione Granger.

***

"You have to do better at school this year," Mr. Granger looked hard at his daughter, "Mother and I are disappointed at you. You brother did much better at school. Only A+'s. You got an A in… what do you call it… Potions. If you expect us to pay for that… that… abnormal school of yours, you need to get top grades. Or else you'll go straight back to normal school, girl."

"Yes, sir." Hermione Granger looked at the floor of the car. Ever since she started at Hogwarts 4 years ago her father spent every possibility telling her that she was abnormal.

"Smile, girl. Show the world your teeth! The only thing we've ever been proud of. Being a _witch,_" He sneered, "or should I call it _freak,_ you should be able to make your hair look better or loose some weight. You'll never be able to marry somebody if you look like _that._"

"No, sir."  Marriage. The only thing her dad cared about. After his opinion, women were meant to be in the kitchen, making food, cleaning and making babies. Well, he also cared about her grades, but only because he wouldn't have people to think he was a bad parent. And nobody thought so. If Mr and Mrs. Granger hadn't chose to be dentists they could have been actors. Hermione was even better. She kept her head high, smiling, telling everybody that her family was perfect and loving. Sometimes she even told her so-called friends that they didn't allow her to do things as staying up late. In the really world they didn't care. She could party all night. They might even approve of it. Perhaps she could find a husband there. She could have a baby as a teenager and they would approve. They would force the father to marry her.

"…If you took care of your hair and lost some weight you'll be pretty. Of cause you would! You have my genes!" Mr Granger continued.

"Yes, sir." His genes were the reason to why she looked horrible! She smiled a bit at that thought.

"Don't laugh at me, girl! You better respect me or perhaps I should teach you a lesson…"

She quickly stopped smiling. Until now it was only threats but she knew that he wouldn't hesitate a second by bringing them into life.

They neared the station. Neared the train that would take her to her… school? Wasn't it more like a home? Together with her parents wasn't home. But Hogwarts was! Who was she fooling? Not herself. It wasn't a home. Nobody cared for her. Saw her as nothing but a brain. Though she was perfect. Envied her perfect-ness. True enough she had friends. Harry Potter, The-Boy-Who-Lived and Ronald Weasley, Harry's faithful supporter. A long time ago she though as them as true friends but then she realized something. They didn't know her. They were faked as well as everybody else by her façade. They didn't know anything about her family.

They didn't know her biggest secret.

About her mother…

"You behave probably, and we do not want you home at Christmas. Don't expect any gifts! We pay enough as it is already!" Her father said as her rolled her trolley towards Platform 9 ¾.

Hermione had already plastered her smile on her face but it just felt… wrong. "Of cause father. I'll guard our secrets and only gets A+'s. And the school is cheaper now when I'm made prefect."

"It's still expensive…" He shut up when he saw two boys looking over at them. "Kiss me goodbye, then leave."

She did as told, watched her father leave, and then faced the two boys. They were both very tanned after a long summer in Romania. They looked happier than she remembered, older, better looking…

"Hi Harry, hi Ron."

"Hi Hermione," Harry answered with a half-smile. "You look…different."

She didn't know if it was a compliment or an insult. Probably the last. Ron didn't answer her greeting but looked to the floor, clearly embarrassed.

"Look guys why don't you go find a seat. I'm made a prefect this year. I sit in front of the train." She felt bad for lying to those who she once considered friends. In the real world she just wanted an excuse to get away from them. And them for her. They were only friends for with her for one reason as Ron so nicely pointed out last year. They had had an argument. She had told him that he always stood in the shadow of Harry. And she had asked him why he didn't do anything about it. And then he had said something so she knew that their friendship were truly over. He said that he only was a friend with her because Harry was, and that Harry only wanted to be her friend because of her talent. She could help him defeat _He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named_. After he was finished speaking he of course apologised, said that he didn't mean it. That she had hurt him with her comment. She could hear it when Ron told to Harry what he had said. Harry had yelled almost roared that he was evil and that he had no right of treating her like that. Afterwards Harry told him that Ron hadn't meant it. Of course he had: From children, drunk and angry people you'll hear the truth. Harry probably wouldn't want to lose her talent.

She looked in the bathroom mirror in the train. She wanted to find the difference that Harry had noticed. And she did see it. She had put on weight. She was fat, ugly and stupid. A tear was about to fall down. But she wouldn't cry. Never! They shouldn't have that satisfaction of knowing they had hurt her. If she just lost a couple of pounds she would look normal. People would like her.

If only… 

End of Chapter 1 

What do you think? Do you want chapter 2 or should I just stop it here?


	2. Just A DramaQueen…

So many review?! For one chapter?!? *bows for the reviewers* Thank-you! 

**Disclaimer: **Honestly! If I told you that I owned them would you believe me? If you do, you need to have your brain checked! I own nothing but the plot!

**WARNING: **This story contains sensitive subjects as depression, disorders and suicidal thoughts. Please don't read it if you can't handle it!

**Rating: **PG-13 for the warning. Rating may go up later.

**Set in: **Hermione's fifth year

**Abnormal Normality**

**Of Harrione**

**Chapter 2; Just A Drama-Queen…**

The Sorting was as usual.  New first-years to every table. Nearly Head-Less Nick greeted the new Gryffindors. The Heads of Houses talked, probably betted about who was going to win the House-cup, if there were any new talents. A new Hermione Granger…

She sat between Ron and Harry. Her silvery Prefect badge shined on her robe. She hadn't received a single comment about her new badge. But she could hear the whisper. Oh yes she could hear…

_"Of cause it was her!"_

_"No surprise really…"_

_"It's unfair! We other don't have a chance!"_

_"Bloody goody-goody!"_

When she first received the owl caring her badge she had been trilled. She had looked forward to people talking to her, congratulation her. But nobody did. Just that bloody whisper…

The boys chatted about Quiddich. Cudley Canons, it seemed, had won some sort of Cup. It didn't bother her that Quiddich was the topic. They knew she couldn't care less so they didn't wonder why she didn't join the conversation. She didn't have to pretend being interested. 

The House Elves, she noticed, had undone them self once again. Every meal a heart could desire was on the table, and she happily reached out to get a bit of turkey. But… but…her hand stopped in the movement. She couldn't have turkey. It was just… just… too much? 

"What are you doing Hermione?" Harry looked at her outstretched hand, frozen in midair. "Aren't you going to have something to eat?"

"Eh… Not hungry…?" She tried. Fully aware that it sounded like an excuse. But she didn't have to justification herself… She didn't do anything wrong…

"Yes you are." Harry started filling turkey over at her plate. Ron looked down in his own meal.

"NO I'M NOT" She suddenly roared. Why she roared was unknown to even herself. "I DECITE WHETHER OR NOT I'M HUNGRY!" 

The entire Hall fell silent. Both students and staff. All eyes were fixed upon Hermione. 

"H-h-h-he-he was just being friendly!"

"STAY OUT OF THIS RONALD WEASLEY!"

Ron blushed from head to toe as his name was roared in the silent Hall.

"Look Hermione…"

"DROP IT!!!" The trio felt silent. The teacher estranged glances and then the whisper started:

_"She is getting Big-headed with all her famous friends"_

_"She never acted like that before dating Victor Krum…"_

_"…and her new badge. She just thinks she's better than us…"_

_"What a Drama-Queen!"_

_"She just likes attention…"_

Hermione stormed out of the Hall.

"What just happened here?" 

Run shrugged.

***

Didn't they think she had ears? Didn't they think she could hear? Didn't they think she had feelings? Didn't they think they hurt her? She didn't need to ask anybody those questions. They did know they hurt her, but they just _didn't_ care.

She slowed down. She had ran the entire way from the Great Hall to… where? She looked around, trying to place the surroundings. She had just ran around a corner and stood now in front of a large and extremely ugly stone gargoyle. In other words she hadn't the faintest idea about where she was. But she did know she needed to find Professor Dumbledore. Since she was made a prefect, she would have her own privet room, nothing could have delighted her more. She could get away from the common room. She now had an excuse for not being there. She could get away from the whisper. Oh yes… the whisper…

"Bloody goody-goody" 

Maybe she should tell Professor Dumbledore that she didn't wanted to be a prefect. Then some of the whisper would go away. 

Deep down she knew it wasn't what she wanted but if it would make people like her. She would to anything! Almost…

"Good-evening Hermione"

Hermione literary jumped as she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Good-evening Headmaster" She turned around and faced Dumbledore.

"What are you doing here at the entrance to my office?" Dumbledore's eyes twinkled "Did you want to joint my for a snack or are you still not hungry?"

Hermione blushed "Sorry, professor, I don't now what happened down in the Hall, I didn't mean to overreact."

"I know. But if you didn't want to joint me for a snack what did you want?"

"Eh…" What did she want?

"Why don't you come into my office? _Liquorice!"_ Liquorice seemed to be the password for the gargoyle sprang into life and gave room to an enormous staircase. 

"Sit down" 

Hermione's feet had once again carried her without her knowledge. Her mind had been somewhere else. On how she was going to break the news to Dumbledore. That she didn't want to be a Prefect. 

"Liquorice?" Dumbledore offered Hermione from a metal box. 

Hermione looked up from her hands and shook her head. She looked around in the room, everywhere but Dumbledore's eyes. This was defiantly the most interesting office she ever been in. And she had been in many. Never for detention but for praise…

After a minute of silence Hermione's eyes fixed upon Dumbledore's knees. "I wanted to talk to you about my position as Prefect, I…I…" She stopped, the words unable to come out of her mouth.

Dumbledore's eyes twinkle again "If you were wondering about how the first-years came into the tower I took care of it for you. I haven't done _that_ for a long time…"

"Thank-you, sir, but it-it wasn't that. I-I wanted to tell you that I can't accept the position of Prefect. Can't you get someone else to do it?" The words just flew out of her mouth.

Dumbledore's twinkle disappeared: "Yes, I could, but you are defiantly the best for the job." Hermione couldn't stand it. She could hear the disappointment in his voice. She had disappointed him. 

            She couldn't disappoint anybody… 

Dumbledore looked over his half-moon glasses and searched her soul. She moved uncomfortably in her chair.

He was disappointed at her. She could feel it. Her father… he would be mad. She would have to write and ask for more money… She couldn't do that…

"If you really think so… I guess I could…"

"Then it's settled!" Dumbledore clapped his hands and his twinkle was back but it wasn't as… happy as it normally was.

Hermione fingered with her badge "Then… then I think I'll like to get some sleep. It has been a long day."

"Yes, of cause." Dumbledore sighed "The password to your private room is: _Jelly Beans_. The entrance is at the picture next to the fat lady."

She could feel his eyes on her back as she left the room. 

***

She knew she should have talked to Ron and Harry. She knew she should have gone into the common room and said she was sorry. But then again, why didn't _they_ apologise? 

Instead she had gone straight to her own room. Her _own_. It was her bed, her table, her chair, her fireplace, it even was her door! Door? Why was there a door? Wasn't she supposed to share the bathroom together with the other prefect? 

Apparently no. Behind the door was the hugest and most beautiful bathroom she ever seen. Marble, bathtub…

"Sweaty you really need to do something with that hair!"

Hermione turned around with the speed of light. But nobody was there. 

"Great! Now I'm hearing things which not really are!"

"No, you're not! I'm here! On the wall! I'm the mirror!"

A mirror… Did she dare look at her reflection? Just a little look… it couldn't hurt…

Her eyes were dark as the circles underneath. But worst of all, she was fat. F-A-T! She could see it! Harry had seen it. Ron probably too. And Dumbledore… All had…

She didn't know how but she was back in her bedroom, her hands in her trunk, desperately trying to find something. And there it was. Next to her toothbrush. 

            Her razor… 

It was perfect. She could end it all now: 

            End her pain… 

She lead the razor follow her vain on her wrist lightly

_            End her disappointments…_

Pushed a little harder

            End her miserable life… 

The razor was about to break her skin.

            "It's now or never… Come on girl…You can do it…" 

The razor broke her skin…

                                                     End of Chapter 2                                                        IMPORTANT 

My other beta couldn't beta this any more for several reasons… And since I'm a Dane, my grammar and spelling are very poor. You can see it in chapter 2, all the mistakes…

Does anyone wants to beta for me??? 

Hope you enjoyed it, and hope you review!

I don't mind critic, everything there can help making this better… If you don't have critic, review anyway and tell me that. Praise, if deserved, always make an author happy :)

Suggestions appreciated…

Nagging can get you everywhere…

HELP! Does anyone knows what to do when FF.net only shows half of the formatting? 

**I'm already on two persons favourite stories list… THANK-YOU!**

**Some have asked if I would email them when I update. So I decided to make an update group. Just write your email in you review and ask to be notified…**


	3. Angst

**Disclaimer: **Honestly! If I told you that I owned them would you believe me? If you do, you need to have your brain checked! I own nothing but the plot!

**WARNING: **This story contains sensitive subjects as depression, disorders and suicidal thoughts. Please don't read it if you are sensitive.

****

**Rating: **R for the warning. 

**Set in: **Hermione's fifth year****

****

****

****

**Abnormal Normality******

**Of Harrione******

**Chapter 3; Angst**

"No…" She sobbed "no… I… Can't… NO!!!" As if the razor was aflame, she threw it into the wall. She could hear it break over her own sobs. 

"I wont… I wont…I wont be like her…" She looked at her wrist, fortunately, or unfortunately, it bled only little. "I wont… I wont." Then all of a sudden the tears stopped flowing and replaced with a new feeling. 

__

_Angst… ___

What had she done? She had… she had…

_Tried to commit suicide… ___

But why? She had a lot to live for! She was intelligent, smart and…

_…and ugly, fat and stupid…___

But she could change that! She could be pretty… she could be pretty if…

_…if she was thin…___

She could look like Lavender, Parvati if…

_…if she was thin…___

People would see her as something else than a brain if…

_…if she was thin…___

__

"See, girl" she muttered to herself. "You have no reason to commit suicide! You have a lot to live for"

_"…if you become thin…"___

"Hermione! Are you in there!"

Harry.

"Look, Hermione, I'm sorry. Let me in! I know you are in there. Dumbledore told me!"

What would Harry think if he knew that she had tried to commit suicide? Repulsion? Pity? Hate? He couldn't know. Nobody could… 

Nobody! 

"Just a moment…I need to… refresh myself…"

Her wrist was bleeding. She couldn't get out like that. It wasn't much but still… it was blood.

"I'm… I'm actually pretty tired now. I'm in bed. I'll see you tomorrow, all right? I'll see you there…"

"But Hermione, I've seen you in your nightgown before. Just let me in…"

"…I'm sleeping! I'll see you tomorrow, bye!"

Harry didn't answer but she could here his footsteps as he left.

She didn't have to go up to the Hospital Wing to get her wrist healed. Being the smartest witch in fifth year had it's advantages. 

***

For the first time in her life, Hermione overslept. But she didn't care. She only missed breakfast. But she cared about that she was late to Potion. The only subject she couldn't be late at. Not when she was doing so poorly in it…

"Well, well, well." Snape silky voice brought the class into silence as Hermione opened the door. "It looks like our newly selected Prefect is late. At her first day. At her first class. If you keep that up you won't be Prefect for long. 10 points from Gryffindor. And if you ever come late again it will be 50 and a detention!"

She nodded, her eyes looked for an empty seat, but there was only one. Next to Ron and Harry, at the very first row. She couldn't sit there! But she had no choice.

The whispering silenced at Snape's instructions. They were to brew a very simple potion. But as he said:

"We have to make a potion that all of the dunderhead in this class can managed." She was sure he was talking to her. She was a dunderhead. She couldn't even get an A+! She was sure that everybody else in the class got A+'s… 

She could feel eyes at her back. She was sure everybody was looking at her. Laughing at her, talking about her. Did they know? Could they see it at her? She looked at her wrist, making sure that her sleeves hide the slash. She could make the bleeding stop, but she wasn't able to make the scar go away. Maybe they could see it anyway… Maybe they could see…

_…See she had tried committing suicide…___

But she hadn't really tried. It was more like a mistake… Yes a mistake. But a nagging doubt inside her head told her different. She shook her head. Where did all the thoughts come from? Of course, she wouldn't kill her self. It was just an accident… but the doubt was still there…

"Remember to slice the roots into _1-inch_ slices. I said _1-inch_! Did you hear me Mr. Longbottom? _1-inch_" Snape's drawling voice brought her back to reality and back to her potion.

"1-inch slices" she muttered to her self as she withdrew her potion knife. She stared at it, as it was the first time she ever saw a knife. It was sharp. Very sharp. Sharper than her razor. If this knife had been near her yesterday she wouldn't be alive today. She wouldn't be in this class… She wouldn't have to hear all the other's insults… Snape wouldn't have gotten mad at her. Maybe it had been better if… 

_Angst...___

If she had just decided that it was an accident, then why was she sitting here and thinking about…_that_. It was as if another invisible force took her mind, making her believe and do things… 

No. She smiled at herself. It was just a mistake… just a mistake…

Concentrating on her potion she rolled up her sleeves, and started cutting. 

"1-inch slices." She muttered again. She couldn't afford to make a mistake…

"Hermione!" Harry frowned "What is that?" He pointed at her wrist.

How could she be that stupid! Hermione quickly pulled sleeves down. "Oh, that! It was just Crookshanks!" She couldn't believe how natural and normal she sounded. 

A first she thought Harry believed her but then they both realized something "But, Hermione, didn't you write that Crookshanks died this summer?"

Hermione's brilliant mind thought quickly, "Yes, silly! But my… neighbour also has a cat named Crookshanks. I told you that like… a million times before! Don't you ever listen?!"

Harry flushed. "Sorry…"

She couldn't believe that it was so easy! Why hadn't she lied before? 

End of Chapter 3 

Sorry it was a bit short. It's Christmas and still I have a lot of homework…


	4. Illusion

**I'M SO, SO, SO, SO SORRY FOR THE VERY LONG WAIT!!!!!!! IT WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN. THE REASON WHY IS THAT I HAVE BEEN VERY ILL AND THAT I HAD FINALS. PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!!**

**Disclaimer: **Honestly! If I told you that I owned them, would you believe me? If you do, you need to have your brain checked! I own nothing but the plot!

**WARNING: **This story contains sensitive subjects as depression, disorders and suicidal thoughts. Please don't read it if you are sensitive to those matters.

**Rating: **R for the warning. 

**Set in: **Hermione's fifth year****

**Abnormal Normality**

**Of Harrione**

**Chapter 4; Illusion**

Lunch. 

She had no excuse for not being there. But what worst was that, she wanted to be there. She wanted to see the food, see if she could resist the temptation. She wasn't sure if she could. She could feel the hunger. She wasn't use to go so long without food. She hadn't had anything to eat since yesterday morning. Over 24 hours. 

The hunger, the feeling of power. She had controlled herself. Something in her life she could control, something she was good at! Soon she would loose weight! Be like anybody else…

She stopped at the entrance to the Great Hall. The food was already on the plates. Students eating, talking, having fun. Even the teachers seemed to enjoy themselves. She could smell the food. Some was already started at the desert.

Hot apple pie with whipped cream. 

It looked digesting and yet, appealing… But how could it look appealing? It disgusted her. It wasn't appealing and yet she thought so. She had to get away. She would eat it and gain weight. But she couldn't get away. Harry and Ron were walking on either side of her, like bodyguards. Usually it didn't annoy her but today it did. She was old enough to take care of her self. She didn't needed bodyguards!

It was too late now. She was already sitting at the table. She had to eat. She was sure everyone was looking at her. Wondering why she didn't eat anything. They would force her to eat. She would decide herself what to eat. When to eat. And what to eat! 

Slowly she lifted her silver spoon to her pale lips. The piece of salad on her spoon drew closer to her mouth. It entered and she swallowed.

It wasn't that bad… It tasted good… A piece more wouldn't hurt… 

She swallowed a new piece of salad. And a piece more.

She needed more. 

More!

MORE!

Not just salad, she needed…

Pie with lots of whipped cream

MORE!

She couldn't stop… it tasted so good…

…so good…

…and so wrong…

She needed to stop…

…stop…

Why couldn't she stop? She would gain so much weight…

…unless…

She stormed out of the Great Hall. Silent so nobody would notice… and no one did… 

She went straight to her own room. To her own toilet. 

If she puked, she wouldn't gain weight… She could eat all that she wanted and don't gain weight…an excellent plan…

She lifted her slightly trembling finger until it touched her open mouth. It was so easy.

Just a little more and she would start vomiting…

But she couldn't…

She couldn't…

She just _couldn't_…

_Why?_

She was weak… that's why…

Weak… 

She couldn't even make herself puke… It was so simple and she couldn't.

Then there was no other way. She just had to stop eating for a little while. And then when she looked like the other girls she would start eating again. She could control it, and besides it was something everyone did…

Wasn't it…? 

***

Instead of eating dinner, she went to the library. It was empty. Even the strict librarian was in the Great Hall eating, but not her. She needed to study… Study so she would live up to her brother. Live up to her parents' expectations… Her own…

She ran her hand over the books. She loved the feeling of the soft leather under her fingertips. Loved the smell of ink and parchment. Books had always been her friends. They had never let her down. 

When her mother was in her bad period, books cheered her up.  When she was teased in school, she found escape in her books. Books led her to a place were real life couldn't reached her. A fantasy world where she didn't have to think about her problems. 

But now…

She was older… She knew that it was all an illusion. No matter how many books she read she would always be the same. 

Hermione Granger, a fat, ugly and stupid girl. 

A girl who from a very young age was forced to be an adult. A woman who wished more than anything to be a girl. To be small and innocent again, to be able to run away or hide under a bed when the world was treating her unfair. 

But that was also an illusion. She couldn't be a girl again… To many things had happened… To many disappointments… Too much pain…

She had no real life. Everything she had was an illusion…

Just an _illusion_…

**-----End of chapter 4-----**

Thank-you for your reviews… keep them coming! ;o)

I will update more frequently now… but still I can't promise anything… If you want to join the update group tell me in a review…


End file.
